CORAL GABLES BARBIE: This Barbie is is only sold at Bal Harbour or Merrick Park. She comes with an assortment of Prada handbags, a Mercedes SUV, and a long-haired foreign dog named Honey. Available with or without tummy tuck and face-lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with “augmented” version.
KEY BISCAYNE BARBIE: With frosted blonde hair, clear manicure, light tan, she’s perfect in every way. Comes with a convertible jaguar and yatch. We don’t know who Ken is because he’s always away hunting or golfing.
DORAL BARBIE: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford SUV with a Venezuelan Flag Bumper Sticker, cookie cutter house, country club membership and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time occupation. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately.
HOMESTEAD BARBIE: This recently paroled former “Porn Actress” Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy Pickup with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash, preferably in small, untraceable bills (unless you are a cop, then we don’t know what you’re talking about). Also available with a mobile home and Mexican Ken.
BRICKELL BARBIE: This ultra glam Barbie comes with your choice of a Porsche Boxster or Mercedes CLK/SLK Convertible. Included are a Starbucks travel cup, credit cards to every major fashion house, French pedicure and exclusive gym membership. Also available for this set are Real Estate Magnet Ken and Private School Skipper. You won’t be able to afford any of them.
BOCA BARBIE: This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print D&G Bikini, Jimmy Choo or Manolo slip ons and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at her custom, 12,000 sq ft house. Shallow Ken can be found in the cabana making out with Jail Bait Skipper and the Hot Latin Maid Barbie…. Esmeralda. Percocet or Oxycontin perscription recommended.
KENDALL BARBIE: This brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled Kenneth Cole Slip Ons with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Hialeah Barbie’s house. Her ensemble includes low-rise Brazilian jeans, skimpy halters and jewelry and Gucci sunglasses from “The Mart.” Along with a Volkswagen Jetta sedan in silver.
COCONUT GROVE BARBIE: This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair, arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her “willow.” She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Coconut Grove Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a “Free Tibet” sticker free.
HIALEAH BARBIE: Dressed from head to toe in TICO fashions sporting thigh high skin tight 5 dollar jeans, “ñooooooooo que barato!!!” see-through tops and $5 platform heels with 1.5″ long red acrylic fingernails with Shocking blonde hair with the black roots showing from a mile away. This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll and credit card from “La casa canastilla cubana” baby store. Optional Accessories include a GED and bus pass. Marielito Ken and his ’79 Chevy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.
SOUTH BEACH BARBIE: This doll is as hot as they come, she’s the tallest model, donatella versace tan, long light brown hair, miss sixty low riders, juicy couture tank, sergio rossi slip ons, VIP access to prive, mynt and everywhere else. These Barbies must be purchased as packs and are always seen mooching from free-spending Deep Pockets South Beach Ken.